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When last we left our heroes, they were fretting over fallen coconuts, counting on TV to get kids to read, promising roads would be built on time and insisting that the real estate market was doing fine.

Let us continue now with the year 2006 in review.

May

1 - The Naples Drive-In movies closes. Teenage boys across Collier County wear black arm bands.

4 - A new funding plan for Everglades Restoration allows the public to buy bonds to support the project. Wildlife managers are embarrassed it took them so long to come up with the idea of offering the public a chance to invest in prime Florida swamp land.

5 - Former Southwest Florida Congressman Porter Goss steps down as director of the CIA. Explaining in detail his reasons for leaving and describing the inner workings of the organization, Goss says, “CENSORED.”

6 - A consultant recommends that Lee County seek tourists by advertising in publications targeted toward gays and lesbians. The suggestion draws protests from critics who argue that the county should not promote itself as being gay-friendly - not that there’s anything wrong with that.

10 - Rangers at Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary are pleased to announce a banner year in the arrival of baby storks. And just to clear up any misconceptions, they stress that baby storks are not delivered by humans.

11 - Sheriff’s deputies investigate allegations that over-age men are attending Immokalee High School and playing sports. Officers are tipped off to the case when they smell BenGay coming from the locker room.

15 - New figures show the sales of homes in Collier County for the first three months of 2006 are down 36 percent compared to the first three months of 2005. Realtors describe the news as a blatant attempt by the media to manipulate the real estate market.

25 - New figures show homes sales down 45 percent in April compared to the same month a year ago. Realtors describe the news as a the result of the media attention to earlier declines in sales.

31 - State prosecutors drop a felony charge against a 6-year-old girl accused of kicking a teacher’s aide. They say they will still pursue a misdemeanor count of toddling without a license.

June

9 - Marco Island officials say complying with a Coast Guard request to provide more clearance for boats by building the Winterberry Drive bridge six inches higher than planned would cost upwards of $20 million. As a money-saving alternative, the officials suggest paying a fat guy $5 million to hop on boats as they pass under the bridge.

12 - New statistics show new home orders are down from the previous year. Realtors describe the news as an amalgam of variating market-driven contingencies precipitated by economic activity vis-à-vis the global petrochemical consortium in conjunction with the Trilateral Commission.

22 - The discovery of underground muck threatens to slow the completion of the overpass on Golden Gate Parkway. Motorists aren’t surprised, having noticed that work along the parkway has been mucked up for some time.

27 - New statistics show the number of homes for sale leveling off and sales sluggish, compared to the previous year. Realtors described the news as just shut up, just shut up, just shut up.

July

8 - Officials at WGCU Public Television wait anxiously as Congress contemplates budget cuts. Among the program revisions being considered should the cuts come through - “The MacNeil-Lehrer News Minute,” “Some Things Considered” and “Clifford, the Small Red Dog.”

14 - The Palm Royale Cemetery breaks ground on a new mausoleum off Vanderbilt Beach Road. Ironically, it is the only life the local real estate market has seen in months.

15 - Education officials report that only 57 percent of seniors attending high school graduate. Fortunately, the rise in senior citizens attending high school helps offset the number.

17 - Two Naples police officers are fired for getting degrees from online diploma mills. City officials were tipped off when they noticed the officers were given course credit for “Googling Pam Anderson” and “Solitaire 101.”

19 - Former FEMA Director Michael Brown defends his agency’s handling of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath in an address to a Naples audience. When he was finished, rather than applaud, the crowd declares, “Brownie, you gave a helluva speech.”

25 - New statistics show the median home price in Collier County down 8 percent from the previous year. Realtors describe the news as that @#$* newspaper trying to #&$*¢ with our $&¢@(@ livelihood again.

August

8 - The state initiates a study to connect rural communities such as Immokalee to high speed Internet service. State officials worry that residents of rural areas have to wait an inordinately long time to download porn.

11 - The Collier County Sheriff’s Office opens a telephone hotline to report unsafe driving practices. The line is immediately overwhelmed - with calls from people in cars with cell phones.

16 - Naples City Council denies a variance for a family whose home is built 15 feet too close to the road. In an appeal, an attorney for the family asks that instead of a 15-foot variance, the council consider it as a series of 180 one-inch variances.

19 - County officials consider money for aesthetic improvements to the Golden Gate Parkway overpass. They sign off on stone veneer but give a thumbs-down to the idea of breast implants.

21 - Naples City County discusses the idea of lowering the speed limit on residential streets. The move would give motorists a new set of regulations to ignore.

23 - New statistics show home sales down 51 percent in July, compared to the same month a year earlier. Realtors describe the news as OK that’s it, I’m gettin’ a gun.

27 - The Collier County Sheriff’s Office warns residents of a foreign mail lottery scam being perpetrated in the area. Officers say to be on the lookout for mail with return addresses from Crapistan and Afscamistan.

Coming Tuesday, The Year in Review, Part 3.

E-mail Brent Batten at bebatten@naplesnews.com