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It’s human nature to complain. Everyone does it to some extent. However, the key comes by looking at how much you are complaining and how much you are focusing in the negative.

Think about some of the times you have complained in the last few days. Perhaps you complained the boss didn’t treat you fairly. Maybe someone got the recognition you deserved. Perhaps you are disappointed in the lack of appreciation your children are showing for what you have done. Look at the news and you will see much complaining and negativity.

I remember hearing about complaining when I was in grade-school. My father was involved in politics and served on the city council and then as mayor. He couldn’t please them all and of course, no one can. The same has continued throughout the years in all phases of politics. It seems complaining about political leaders and the government has become a national pastime. Even our candidates are complaining about one another.

You might wonder if I’m saying you cannot disagree. Of course you can disagree. However, there’s a difference between disagreeing with someone or something or complaining by demeaning and condemning.

Complaining is what most of us do when we are not happy with something someone has done. We go to another person, wanting them to hear and agree with us. In other words, we want them to jump on our bandwagon. Their joining us gives us a false sense of empowerment as there’s no positive outcome for the situation. When we complain, we usually put ourselves in a negative mode. It’s difficult to be happy while we are in the negative mode.

Discussing our problem with a friend is a different situation. Especially if in your discussion you are looking at what you can do to ease your situation. You aren’t looking for your friend to feel sorry for you. If you are looking for the friend to feel sorry for you, you basically have added another cheerleader to keep you lost in that negative cycle.

Complaining becomes a habitual behavior. It leads to a cycle of negative thinking. No matter how good a complainer has it, that individual will still only see the bad. Our negativity robs us of the ability to be happy.

I write about this from personal experience. My late husband experienced major depression and as a result was out of work more than he worked. Over the years, we lost our house, our car was re-possessed, our utilities were turned off many times, I found myself in such negative thinking that I also became very depressed. One day as I was complaining to my creator, I looked up and I saw my three beautiful little children standing there and the greatest smile of relief came over me! I had my three children and they were basically healthy.

That was the most important and amazing lesson in the world to me. I knew somehow things would get better. Things became brighter. I put my thoughts in a positive mode and did my best to keep my thoughts out of negativity. Instead of the cupboards nearly bare, I was happy to see we at least had a little food. From that time on, I remind myself that I can be happy with the least.

I would like to leave you with some reframing thoughts to ponder. Perhaps instead of being upset that your teen didn’t do the dishes, you might be relieved that your teen stayed home. Doesn’t mean you don’t address the issue of not doing the dishes, but I’m sure it will change your attitude as to how you deal with the issue.

Most of us complain about paying income taxes because it hurts to part with that money. It might help to give it a positive boost and be thankful you have a job and that you were able to make the money that created the tax problem. You still may not be overjoyed about parting with that money, but it makes the pain a little bit easier.

I challenge you to look at some of the things you are complaining about and turn them around into some positive attitudes of acceptance. It sure makes life happier. It also does wonders for your health as well. Your body loves to be relaxed with less stress.

Remember in every issue there is a positive and a negative. Let us look for and accentuate the positive!

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.