STORY TOOLS

• E-mail story
• Comments
• iPod friendly
• Printer friendly

More Latest News

• Collier schools summer bus schedules announced
• Report: UCF players tell of intense workout, coach cursing before Plancher's death
• Traffic enforcement locations for Collier, Lee

Share and Enjoy [?]

One of the questions I am asked quite frequently is, “Why do people stay in relationships even when there is verbal, emotional and physical abuse?”

Throughout the years, I have seen many people who have come into my office for treatment of anxiety or depression, and who were actually being abused by their partners. One of the main problems I found was the fact that they failed to set healthy boundaries for themselves.

The majority of people who stay in unhealthy relationships are women — although there are some men who remain stuck as well.

Some of these people lack a sense of their own identity and are therefore inclined to draw their identity from their partner. To them, it is nearly impossible to imagine who they would be without that relationship. Because of this, they are willing to give up their own emotional security, self-respect, independence and friends to make the marriage work.

Some told me, “I can’t imagine living without my boyfriend.” As you can see they don’t develop healthy emotional boundaries for themselves and only saw themselves in connection with their partner.

Some people tend to cling to the irrational belief that things are good enough, even though their relationship is not as good as they would like it to be.

In looking at the rationale for this, the person feels a certain sense of security in the relationship and believes it is as good as it can be.

One young girl told me once that she was sad and depressed because her boyfriend went out with “the guys” all the time and never had any money left to do anything as a couple. In checking for the reason she remained in the relationship, she stated that when they were together, he paid a lot of attention to her. Nothing is going to get better in this relationship unless she decides to do something about herself. We know no one can make someone else change.

This young woman was willing to stay in that relationship and receive a crumb of bread whenever the boyfriend was available to give it, believing she could not get more.

It’s sad, but when people remain committed in relationships like this, they give up their chance to explore their own sense of fulfillment in life. Thus, they give up their own dreams in order to maintain the security of an unhealthy relationship. Overall, there tends to be fear that if one of them grows and finds personal fulfillment, the relationship will be terminated. However, giving up their own selves will also eventually kill the relationship.

Some of these people grew up in dysfunctional families. As children, they often felt that things would get better someday, that a normal life would come for them in the future. This indeed did seem to happen, because there were some days that were fairly normal.

However, the bad days came again. While they were unaware of this, it was the normal days that encouraged the fantasy in their life that all problems in the family would someday be solved. As they grew up, they carried these same fantasies into their adult relationships.

In fact, most people are shocked when they break up or divorce because they portray to others the myth that they had the perfect relationship. Some even believed it in their hearts — that someday all of their relationship problems would be resolved. Thus, they ignored the manipulation, abuse, and control.

Unfortunately, since they ignore the problems, they are unable to confront them. As you may well imagine, the happier future never came. Believing the myth that everything is fine makes it extremely difficult to deal with the troubles of a relationship. If you don’t see the problems, you certainly can’t do anything to resolve them!

In all of these cases and others, I encourage people to discover who they are, to see what makes them unique and to rejoice in that discovery. This enhances their process of truly becoming alive as a total person.

I believe it’s important that each person realizes that their value and worth is not dependent upon the other significant person in their life, and that they believe they can function well as an independent person. It’s hard for people to realize it, but when they can allow themselves to become who they are and truly accept themselves, their relationships will actually have a much better chance of surviving, growing and flourishing. This journey into self-discovery can be quite challenging, but at the same time, very rewarding.

---

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.