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This is the time of the year when normally everyone is busy scurrying about purchasing gifts for their loved ones. For many people though, this year has been dampened by the drop in economy so this is not a very happy time as they feel they cannot do what they have always been able to do for their families.

Some people are wondering why the Christmas advertising began before the Halloween items were even off the shelves. Parents may be fearful of disappointing their children who are seeing all of these items and making their lists. For most parents the financial funds are just not there this year.

Parents need to work together to set a budget as to realistic expectations about the amount of money to spend on gifts. I have suggested parents ask their children to list the one gift they want the most and then to list a second one if that first item is not available. You might want to add one or two smaller inexpensive items. Do not put yourself in debt in order to buy many gifts! You will regret it and it will likely create more financial problems in the future for you.

I see this year as a perfect opportunity to inform parents and grandparents again about what children really, truly need.

When I see children in my office and I ask them what they want for Christmas, they give me the standard, usual routine and come up with a list of the latest gadgets and toys. Then I ask them, if they could have what they really, really want for Christmas, what would that be? The frequent response I receive is, “To feel special” or “to have some special time with my mom and dad” or “to feel that I am a useful part of the family.”

Some children have said, “I want my mom happy and to not be so busy trying to make everything perfect for all of our relatives. I feel lost and I don’t know how to help her. She tells me to get out of her way!”

Children want to be involved and included. They want to be useful. Children use the gadgets parents buy them to fill the void in their lives. Do they like them? Of course they do! But, it is only secondary to what they truly need and want.

At Christmas we tend to do what parents have done throughout the years, work to buy what they believe will keep children happy: the nicest clothes and the newest gadgets. Parents have resorted to buying these material items to show their love and to make their children happy, disregarding in many instances the one thing their children desire most is a loving and caring home and family.

I was happy to find a book written by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli who seem to think along the same lines as I do about children’s needs. Their book is entitled, “Unplug the Christmas Machine.” It’s not a new book and is a very short one and also comes in CD.

Children want Christmas to be a special time with the family. This is where everyone needs to be themselves. We have become so commercialized about what a beautiful dinner should be with all of our best silverware and china and crystal. We want to impress others. Yes, it is great to have many family members present but if mom is slaving away in the kitchen and has very little time to spend with the children, special family time is being lost.

If you are having guests for dinner, have each person bring a dish and take some of the responsibility off of yourself. Get the children involved in setting the table and dad in getting the special dishes out. Some of this can even be done the day before. Do this in a carefree, loving way. Your children will love being included in making Christmas a special day, especially if they know they will have quality time with mom.

Children need to know that they not only receive gifts, but they give gifts as well. Get the children involved in making gifts for each other. A little one could color a picture for a brother or sister, grandma and grandpa.

Our small grandchildren have done that and they are so proud of what they have done. Some families have children come up with ideas of what the children could do for one another. For example, one family had small coupons where the children wrote in the name of their brother or sister and then they each thought of some task of joy they would do for each of their siblings, such as doing the dishes, vacuuming the floor or giving the dog a bath.

Children love to give their own gifts. They can be very unique. When children feel they are really included, they are willing to participate. They love to become involved in baking, decorating and wrapping gifts. It’s amazing, but as they become more focused on giving they become less involved in what they are going to receive.

When we are freeing ourselves of the financial expense, we are also having more time at home, as there is less shopping to do. In the end, everyone can be happier as you have more time to enjoy one another.

Naturally, teaching this joy of giving is much easier if you start this when your children are at an early age. However, it is possible to encourage your older children to become involved as well.

May you have a happy and memorable family Christmas season!

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.