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Respect is an aspect of relationships that receives too little attention.

Perhaps we take respect for granted. My first recollection of its importance came many years ago from a member of a group I ran in Boston. The woman had been experiencing marital problems but suddenly had the realization that respect was lacking in her relationship. It was a new awareness that changed her marriage. As she shared this with the group it became an unforgotten tidbit in my own brain.

To respect someone is to show regard or consideration for them and/or their feelings. Respectful behavior is not inherited and doesn’t always come naturally. Regardless of one’s background it can be learned.

A fine line sometimes exists between respect and codependence. One can go to an extreme. This happens when an individual is so fearful of self-expression and disapproval that he or she always gives in to what others want. We all know the person who never states a personal preference. “Whatever you want is all right with me.” That is codependence. Respectfulness is, “I’d like to eat at Carraba’s but if your heart is set on Wendy’s we can do Carraba’s next time.”

Respect is consistent, not contingent on one’s mood. It’s considerate and honest. A negative frame of mind, fatigue and disappointment are no excuse to treat someone rudely. Unfortunately many individuals are subjected to rude, abusive behavior as children in dysfunctional families. As adults they must decide whether or not to continue that legacy with their own spouses and children.

I use the word “decide” because behavior is based on decisions. I’ve worked with many remarkable people from very traumatic backgrounds who consciously chose to treat their own children with respectful love and caring. By example they teach how to listen without interrupting, arguing or ignoring. They see each family member as a unique individual and do not minimize with unfair comparisons to a “smarter or better” friend or sibling.

Kindness is an essential component of respect. Name-calling, vulgarity, and all forms of verbal abuse do not exist in respectful relationships. This is also obviously true for emotional and physical abuse. It goes without saying that threats, manipulation and efforts to control are not hallmarks of respect.

Respect begins at home in a dual sense. One can be respectful toward others only when able to have positive regard toward self, one’s home in a sense. Caring about oneself may take practice and awareness, especially if it wasn’t learned in the family. To care about self means to respectfully and honestly require respect from others, to not be a doormat. Persons who respect themselves can identify their needs and express them assertively without guilt or fear of disapproval.

When respect is an inherent factor in family life the entire home atmosphere is calm, steady and peaceful. Fear and anxiety are nonexistent because no one is a threat. A respectful relationship works smoothly. Even challenges and difficult times can be successfully navigated to satisfactory completion. Respect is a central ingredient in the language of love.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 29 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.