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Hardly anyone is free of insecurity, that nagging sense of uncertainty and inadequacy hovering silently at the base of one’s psyche.

The crux of my work is to assist people with their fears, anxieties and insecurities. Each person has a different set of issues and deals with them in his/her own way. Some of us are afraid we won’t be liked, others fear criticism. Others believe they cannot make good decisions. Some think they are not smart, beautiful, social or thin enough.

Insecurity is a generic term for the endless list of fears that plague all of us in certain ways and times. Insecurity might be bothersome to experience, but the ways we defend against it can have unpleasant effects on others. Let’s look in on a few hypothetical individuals and their insecurities.

Jim has a very high IQ but never quite believes he’s smart enough. He always needs to be right in order to reassure himself. The problem is he’s unaware of how much self-doubt he struggles with. He frequently finds himself in arguments over the accuracy of any topic of discussion, because he wants “proof.” The proof he is looking for is that he’s the expert; in everything. His need to feel better about himself becomes a source of irritation for others. They avoid Jim.

Kim cannot believe that she’s attractive. She obsesses about her complexion and weight. She tries every cosmetic on the market, works out two hours a day and eats like a bird. Everything else in her life is secondary, even her husband who longs for more time with a more relaxed wife. He’s reaching the end of his rope in a dying marriage.

Henry grew up with a passive father and domineering mother. He is deathly afraid of being a wimp like his father and compensates by taking on the domineering behaviors learned from his mother. He hides his insecurity in bullying behavior. As the owner of a company he constantly must deal with losing employees who cannot tolerate his behavior. Unfortunately Henry, like most of us, doesn’t have a clue that his worst fears are the major cause of his problems.

Behaviors designed to hide or disguise insecurity tend to create discomfort, even animosity in others. The problem is that we get so involved in cleaning up the flak from the behaviors intended to make us feel less insecure that we keep avoiding the real need, which is to look at ourselves. We get too hung up on how others react to us. What a dilemma!

Whose responsibility is it to ease the angst of insecurity? How much can one person do for another’s insecurities? Does one become a prisoner while trying to free a partner from the bonds of his/her own fears? Should Jim’s friends simply excuse his need to know everything? Or Kim’s husband just keep busy doing his own thing when he really wants to spend more time with her? Do Henry’s employees have no choice but to suffer or quit?

For the solutions read next week’s column.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 29 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.