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In continuing the focus on emotional insecurity we will attempt to shed light on some ways to cope with the problem.

Our insecurities and accompanying defenses become a part of every interaction. We are all subjected to each other’s defenses. In truth the behavior we can barely tolerate in others is very likely a clue to the insecurities and defenses that we hate to acknowledge in ourselves.

With the right spirit and attitude we can all help each other find the road to self-confidence. It’s a challenge but the good and bad is that although we are subjected to others’ defenses we are also in a position to assist them. All relationships are to some degree an interplay between each party’s insecurities and defenses.

Let’s return to Jim who functions under his belief that he isn’t intelligent enough. To compensate Jim frequently challenges people’s ideas and statements, not realizing how he attempts to prove he is smarter than the next person. He also doesn’t recognize the annoyance others feel at his behavior. He only knows that he ends up eating lunch alone quite often, which reinforces his low self-image. When he wonders aloud with his wife why he feels so isolated she doesn’t know how to respond. She has an idea but doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.

What would be most helpful to Jim? People seek help only when they feel intolerable discomfort and have a safe enough place to express it. Ideally our closest relationships provide a safe haven in which to share our deepest fears. When we can accept our own shortcomings and fears we automatically open the door to greater tolerance toward our loved ones. But that doesn’t mean ignoring or minimizing.

In Jim’s case it appears he feels able to openly share with his wife, which gives her the opportunity to help him. The best way to do so without hurting him is to offer questions that will encourage Jim to look objectively at himself. She might say she has noticed his pattern of challenging people and wonders why he does it. Has he ever wondered about this need of his? If he can begin to examine his defensive behavior she can then gently, honestly express how she feels when he challenges her.

It’s important to conduct this conversation without blame or judgment but with an open curious attitude. This will create an atmosphere of mutual helpfulness in which no one’s esteem is challenged and the stage is set for personal growth.

he defenses we use to cover our insecurities are maladaptive. That is they make us feel better only temporarily, annoy others and do not promote growth. When we have a safe forum in which to share our insecurities we can see ourselves more objectively. Then we recognize how we’ve been sabotaging ourselves and can choose healthy adaptive behaviors.

What we can do for someone, a difficult boss for example, who uses maladaptive defenses is to approach them with an accepting attitude and say, “I need to explain to you what happens when you yell at me or criticize me in such a negative way. I feel totally abused and powerless and want to quit my job. I’m telling you this because I believe you’re basically a good person who doesn’t realize the negative effect you have on me. Can we work on improving this relationship?”

The words can be changed to suit the situation but it empowers everyone involved when reality is addressed clearly, honestly, with respect and without judgment. This will not always work, but is one way we can help each other develop more rewarding relationships. After all, relationships are what life is all about.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 29 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.