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It can be very frustrating for a parent when they are trying to communicate with their teen and they barely get more than a three to five word response, if that, from them.

Parents are confused as to how they can develop a relationship and have more open communication with their teen. For anyone who has ever had a teen, you will surely be able to identify with this. If you ask, “How are you getting along with your new friend?” You will likely hear, “O.K.” If you ask, “How did your English class go?” the response may also be, “O.K.” By this time you may be pulling your hair out!

Let me reassure you, there’s hope. Having raised four teens of my own and having worked therapeutically with teens over the last 30 years, I have found most teens are very willing to share and communicate if they feel their parents are truly interested in them.

However, many teens share that they don’t believe their parents really care but are just trying to get information to use against them later. Thus, they don’t feel they can trust their parents and in turn need to be secretive about their friends and activities. This seems to happen when they feel their parents function mostly from a guarded or gatekeeper position.

It’s important to understand that during the teen years, they are working toward independence and reaching out toward their peers. However, at the same time they are fighting against their very dependence on their parents. They’re all grown up one minute and then acting like the young child the next.

I have helped many parents earn their position as consultants with their teens — which is exactly what a young person needs. Having this open trusting relationship with their parent enables the teen to make the transition into independence much easier.

As long as your teen does not have a driver’s license, you have a perfect natural opportunity for conversation with them whenever you chauffeur them alone in the car. You will be surprised what you can learn as you drive your teen to medical appointments and such. Teens feel more comfortable talking in casual conversations. They don’t like to be pinned down. Thus, these times can be especially promising.

Don’t pressure them, just listen. Encourage them to tell you more.

Another time I found useful was during a period that we were doing a task together. It didn’t seem to matter what it was. It could be washing the car, cooking or doing dishes. When we can relax with the teen and not put pressure on them to talk, they will open up.

Naturally we want our teens to know that we have a special interest in them. However, it’s important that you show an interest in and learn about their particular interest, even if it’s quite different from yours. This may require a certain openness and time investment from you. It’s important to realize that this mutual interest can establish a great bond between you and your child. It can give you things to do together and provide opportunities for many good conversations. When you do this, you will likely become familiar with the teens that they are associating with as well.

Above all, it’s very important that you be approachable. Try not to overreact when the kids tell you about something they did that you are not comfortable with. Your response, “You did what to the car?!” is usually never a helpful response. Teens need to know they can talk to Mom and Dad when they’re in trouble. There’s no possibility of communication if they fear, “If I tell Dad, he’ll kill me!”

While it may be difficult, try not to be judgmental and do not critique everything they do. Your teen will do things you do not agree with. Your teen should know where you stand on important issues such as faith, drugs and alcohol, and sexual morality. However, when a problem arises and your teen comes to you for help, please do not immediately give a lecture on what he or she did wrong and why. Instead, be receptive to what happened and take a few moments to quietly evaluate it. Listen to what your teen has to say.

Listen to what your teen feels about the situation. I have found it very important to first evaluate the situation at hand. Be aware that you will not be able to have any influence with your older children if you treat them in a way that closes them off from communication by negating them.

I teach teens that if they really want a fair hearing, they need to give adults enough time to reflect. I also stress that if they want to be treated as adults, they need to act as adults. Thus, it’s important for all involved to work on communication skills. As adults to your teens, it’s important to consider your reasons and present them in a calm and mature manner. As each learns to talk and listen, communication can open and grow. Begin now and plant the seeds.

Change begins with you!

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.