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Over the years, I have seen many married people confused about the idea of forgiving their partner. They acknowledge having feelings of hate, yet believe they should be forgiving. They feel stuck. So, what is the right thing to do?

Perhaps, I need to clarify the difference between hate and hatred.

Hate is an intense emotion and is not in itself immoral or psychologically unhealthy. Feelings, in themselves, are neither right nor wrong; they just are. On the other hand, hatred is an act of the will. It’s the acting out on the feeling of hate. It means that you will not let go of the desire to hurt the other.

Unfortunately, many marriages are doomed to failure when couples do not deal with the feelings of anger, hate and resentment in a constructive way. Failure to do so push the will in the direction of refusing to give love or of withholding love.

However, true forgiveness can only come from the will. Thus, when this door of forgiveness is closed by hatred, it can only be opened by a willingness and openness of being loving and merciful.

It seems the big problem comes about since many spouses are confused between forgiveness and toleration. Forgiveness does not mean tolerating alcoholism, drug abuse, excessive gambling, repeated infidelity, or verbal or physical abuse.

It’s important to understand that certain situations require setting limits. This could mean insisting on counseling or of separating for a time. This is called ‘tough love.’ It sends the message, “I love you, but I respect myself and will not permit you to hurt me anymore. I will not tolerate your behavior.”

While forgiveness is the hardest of all human acts, it’s absolutely central in every marriage. Without it, there’s very little chance of a marital survival.

So, we may ask, why would a person be opposed to forgiving their spouse? This is a very interesting question. However, over the years I have seen several problematic issues that seem to lead to this inability to forgive.

Some have shared that it’s too painful to forgive, for they end up getting hurt again and again. While this is a possibility, usually this occurs as a result of a spouse’s lip service only by the words, ‘I’m sorry.’ Words alone are not enough. There needs to be some discussion as to how the situation occurred and what can or will be done to avoid this from occurring again in the future.

Husbands and wives often see that their spouses have some positive qualities that they themselves lack. This may lead to feelings of sadness and anger at this deprivation. When they do not deal with these feelings in an appropriate manner, they end up envying their spouse.

I have also found that quite often pride or self-righteousness can get in the way of forgiveness. At times, this comes across as a way of being superior to one’s spouse. Unfortunately, these people tend to focus their energy on changing their spouse instead of putting that energy on themselves. Thus, they feel resentful when their efforts fail. However, they also fail to recognize that the only person they have any control over is themselves.

It seems many fail to look at or understand the differences between the sexes as well. This is so true of both women and men. Many years ago, John Gray wrote his book, Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Gray did a fantastic job of presenting these differences of sexes in a very interesting and understandable fashion.

Lou Ann Brizendine came out with a new book, The Female Brain. In this book she stated that women tend to remember the emotional events of their lives better than men because women’s brains are structured differently and contain a different set of chemicals than their male counterparts. The book cited scientific studies that used PET and MRI scans to support this conclusion.

Understanding sheds light into clarity and peacefulness.

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.