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Issues of power and control are basic to life. In the animal world, survival depends on the power to maintain control.

While not as essential in the human realm, the instinct to survive is nevertheless very strong and most of us unknowingly carry subliminal fears for our survival. We need only watch the daily news to see the extremes of such fear; wars everywhere.

At lower levels of life, power derives purely from strength and size. The bigger and stronger species reign supreme. Survival of the fittest is the unwritten rule.

When it comes to man, survival of the fittest remains a factor, but intelligence plays a major role not seen in the animal kingdom. Man has both brain and conscience, although one or both may not always be operative. Humans have an unfortunate tendency to regress to levels of function that belong to the lower species of life. Man may abandon his gift of intelligence under highly charged emotional circumstances, when experiencing rage and fear for example. Then abusive behavior can appear.

Abuse may be physical, verbal or emotional. One of the most common forms of emotional abuse is manipulation. Manipulation has many faces and is tricky to identify. Its purpose is twofold. First its root is fear of powerlessness, which at a primitive level translates into fear of death. Secondly it’s used to gain power and control over an individual or situation as an attempt to feel safe.

We all use manipulation to some degree. An example might be seen in the relationship between Joe and Mary. Mary really dislikes cooking and it’s a source of friction in the marriage. So she has developed ploys to avoid cooking without openly creating conflict.

One is to “forget” to shop for dinner on the way home from work or to simply run out of cooking supplies. The solution she seeks is for Joe to say “Let’s go out for dinner.” Over the years he’s figured out her game but finds it easier and more peaceful to play along.

Manipulation always involves two people; unless they cooperate with each other the game doesn’t work.

Another form of manipulation occurs when one party is threatened by another’s views and coercively tries to change their thinking. A husband or wife may convey the message that unless agreement is reached the other person is in some way defective, or threatens to end the relationship. This form of manipulation is common with couples whose fears of abandonment are awakened when in a relationship. It also is a demonstration of poor interpersonal boundaries, where one individual does not feel secure unless the other is always in total agreement with them. The person has such a sense of emptiness that he or she feels complete only when the couple is in complete accord.

Disagreement is normal in any relationship. It’s healthy to be able to openly discuss, compare pros and cons, and perhaps agree to disagree. Trying to control the way an individual thinks is a form of manipulation. We cannot feel safe by imposing our fears on another, trying to make them responsible for our own healing. Such maneuvers are destined for failure.

Each of us has to live on our terms, not those of a frightened partner or spouse. In an ideal relationship, each one’s fears and shortcomings are shared with compassion, without judgment or coercion. Therein lies the basis for growth in each individual and in the relationship.

Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 29 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.