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Over time, while providing counseling, I have witnessed many couples who have been married 35 to 40 years. Most of them have also successfully raised several children. It seems strange to them that they found themselves sitting in my office.

Most of these couples relate that they got along well during those years. Both worked hard and both were involved in the activities and discipline of the children.

Now, they are both retired and they’re arguing. They are having problems communicating. Neither one seems to be truly hearing what the other has to saying. They are finding themselves feeling bitter and resentful toward one other.

So, you might ask, ‘what happened to make this change occur?’ In most cases, I found several main reasons: pre-occupation in careers, poor marital communication and lack of planning for retirement.

Some young couples come so very pre-occupied with their profession and advancement that they tend to ignore some minor irritations that were going on in their marriage. While some initially try to work on these irritations, they dismiss them when it becomes too time consuming and too emotionally draining. Thus, their relationship does not deepen into an emotional intimacy level.

Instead, these couples receive their satisfaction from their careers. They take pride in their accomplishments and advancements. Some of these people were corporation executives who were highly respected for what they did. However, today in retirement, their spouse is not looking up to them in the same way. What a zing to their pride! This was definitely not planned!

When issues are not resolved early in a relationship, it normally doesn’t get any better. Couples continue to communicate in destructive ways. Continuous use of ineffective communication for so many years is very infectious to any relationship.

We found that the way problems were solved earlier in the lives of these couples was definitely not effective in their golden years. Some spouses said they finally tried to get along by just giving in by saying something like. ‘Yes, dear.’

While it is fine to give in on small matters, it’s not healthy for the marriage for a partner to make a habit of just going along with the other. Your resentment toward your spouse will eventually come out with vehemence! It’s important that you learn to negotiate with your partner. Most of you have undoubtedly done that in business. Problem solving is a very effective tool for individuals, couples, families and businesses. It’s a means where each person is respected.

It’s wise for anyone who is planning to retire to make plans on how your marital relationship will prosper. Check within yourself what you will need for you, yourself to feel fulfilled.

It’s healthy to have some outside activities. You might make a list of some things you would like to achieve. Perhaps you might like to try some new hobbies, or maybe do some volunteer work. There are numerous things one can become involved in on Marco Island.

Keep the communication open with your spouse by sharing your thoughts and your feelings. If improvement in communication is needed, decide on a plan on how that will be accomplished.

If problems continue, marital counseling can be a great asset. Enjoy your retirement years!

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.