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Emotional vulnerability: Webster’s dictionary defines vulnerable as “capable of or susceptible to being hurt; open to moral attack, criticism or temptation; defenseless.” One may be vulnerable because of lack of either physical or emotional defenses.

Seldom do we admit how fragile we feel inside. We don’t admit it to anyone, including ourselves. A look at the world around us, especially at well-known public figures, will offer an indication of how people protect themselves from feeling vulnerable.

Fighter Muhammad Ali’s mantra is “I am the greatest.” We often here people say “I’ll be back,” first uttered by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Terminator.

Recent headliner feuds between individuals with celebrity status highlight the behaviors that stem from inner vulnerability. Can you say Paris and Nicole?

The sources of vulnerability spring from certain beliefs learned along the road from infancy to adulthood. They are so much a part of who we are, that we live without questioning our motivations.

I recently realized that a lifelong tendency to avoid tasks at which I don’t feel proficient comes from the belief that I’m supposed to know how to do everything. When something challenges that belief, I feel insecure and procrastinate. Procrastination is a defense. Figuring out the precise origin of that belief is my next challenge.

It’s probably safe to assume that most of the unpleasant, trying, and negative behaviors we experience in family and friends are defenses against vulnerability. We are all afraid of being criticized, hurt, abandoned, rejected, and/or unloved. So we protect ourselves. We wear emotional armor in the form of aggressiveness, passivity, codependence, avoidance, regression.

We might have more than one form of protection. One for those closest to us and another for the world at large. We might be meek and mild at work and a monster at home.

The toughest are really the most easily hurt. A tough exterior is unfortunate because it fends off any closeness that might be possible and encourages animosity. Tough guys are often lonely. Those who suffer silently likewise feel alone and unsupported.

In order to defend against the vulnerability that most of us have, we must stifle our emotions. We must not get too close to how we really see ourselves because it would be scary. In distancing from our own feelings we also disconnect from others. We cannot comprehend that they may experience the very same thoughts and fears as we do.

We’re pretty naive about what it means to be human, yet it’s so very simple. Whatever you or I feel and experience in this life is in no way unique. Yes, each of us is unique in a way but we’re all made of the same fundamental stuff. We all come with a package of body and spirit and somewhere in there is a mix of emotions. We all have the capacity for a full range of feelings. If you or I can feel hurt then so can every other human on the planet.

If everyone in a relationship could cultivate this realization conflict would seldom or never occur. We would know or attempt to understand that most of our partners’ negative behaviors are reactions to or defenses against vulnerability. We would begin to accept that our reactions to their defenses are really our own defenses.

When two people let down their defenses with each other and share compassion the most wonderful, loving connection brings them together in all their humanity. What a beautiful way to live.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 29 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.