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We live in a harsh world. It’s appalling how many of us grow up in families where tolerance, understanding and compassion are missing. I decided to write about this with the hope that it might inspire deeper levels of understanding between family and friends.

I hear many tales of mean-spirited behaviors among people who profess to love each other. We all at times reach the limits of patience, when we tend to lash out in anger that seems to us deserved. We berate, criticize, judge and sometimes yell. Occasionally the rage is expressed physically with a slap, punch or shove. In short, most of us at some time manifest abuse toward someone we love.

It doesn’t have to be that way but changing to a new mode of greater self-control can be difficult. It begins with self-awareness.

What lies beneath the surface when we “lose it?” What is old and familiar about the feelings that erupt so quickly and uncontrollably?

A hypothetical example might help. Annie is married to Jack, a man who loves to watch TV. In fact, she often is unable to get his full attention when he is engrossed in a favorite program. Annie reacts with angry insults about how lazy and insensitive he is to her needs. In their familiar dance he tunes her out even more. Ultimately, she gives up and moves into “cold war” mode during which they don’t communicate for days.

If both Annie and Jack could look beyond their immediate reactions they would likely discover that each of them is reacting mostly to old painful, long-forgotten experiences.

Just because we don’t recall portions of our lives doesn’t mean they have no effect on us. The unconscious is stored in certain cells of the body. The pain of those memories is triggered by anything that feels physically familiar. We do not need clear memories for an automatic reaction to be triggered.

In Annie’s case, her husband’s TV habits remind her of her father’s inability to support his family and her mother’s frequent frustration and fury at him. Unconsciously her husband becomes her father despite the reality that he is an excellent provider. A few sessions of therapy helped her to realize the basis of her overreaction. As for Annie’s husband, his role in their drama stems from old memories of his parents’ constantly battling and verbal abuse. He uses TV as a way to maintain safety in the relationship. In his unconscious mind he is safe from the abuse he saw his father incur, as long as he doesn’t say or do anything that might draw criticism. He simply tries to keep a low profile.

With help Annie and Jack understood how history was undermining their relationship. They grew more aware of when and how they reacted to each other. Their love was resurrected and renewed as they worked at applying what they had learned. As a result, greater understanding and compassion flourished.

When we acknowledge that most of the irritation we experience with a loved one is more than half about our own history we can be more receptive to self-inquiry. We may initially need assistance but a healthier, more loving relationship will be the reward.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 30 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861.