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Today’s topic concerns power — personal power. We tend to confuse power with control, a confusion that shows up in relationships as conflict.

After the romance wanes we still want to feel special, but have forgotten about the sweet little things we did for each other. We feel taken for granted and try to change our partner. We try to control the other’s behavior in order to feel safer, more secure and loved.

What are we supposed to do when the person we love disappoints or hurts us? We can’t overpower and control them without being abusive or creating resentment. How do we avoid the feelings of powerlessness and frustration that arise from disappointment in a positive and committed relationship?

Power and powerlessness can be viewed from a different perspective. Instead of focusing on what is not happening we can examine our choices. Let’s look in on a hypothetical couple, Martha and Tom. Tom is very reserved, even inhibited, and does not give Martha the affection she desires. As one might imagine they have had many arguments over this, but from Martha’s view nothing changes. In fact she sometimes wonders of late if Tom doesn’t deliberately withhold affection just to irritate her.

Similar problems occur with relative frequency. One partner has a need that isn’t met by the other and conflict develops. Conflict is like a runaway snowball; the longer it continues and the further it goes the bigger it grows.

Timely intervention creates a greater likelihood for positive change. Martha feels powerless to change Tom’s behavior to her liking so she nags and berates him, which pushes him further away and frustrates her even more. It seems hopeless … until Martha finds a therapist who suggests she does have power and helps her to find it.

The therapist explains to Martha that power lies in her ability to recognize she has choices. She can actually choose whether to react to Tom or respond. Reactions are spontaneous, automatic, and happen without thought or consideration. We react solely from instinct and past experiences. Responses follow conscious decisions based on thoughtful assessment of the situation.

Different parts of the brain are involved in reactions and responses. The fight or flight section of the brain functions automatically without regard for present reality. The thinking portion can be trained to not react but instead consider all aspects of a situation. When the thinking brain is in operation we use our ability to make choices; we are empowered.

Martha’s therapist assisted her in understanding the source of anxiety regarding Tom’s coldness, which was eventually related to an emotionally distant mother. She was then ready to put herself in Tom’s shoes, to try and understand why he so seldom offered affection. Martha was in a process of growing awareness of both her needs and Tom’s. She was learning about response versus reaction, finding her own inner strength.

In the end Martha was able to freely seek the affection she desired by reaching out to Tom, demonstrating without nagging what she wanted. With help from the therapist she and Tom were able to share the old fears that caused both to react. Through mutual understanding and practice in responding they slowly developed a stronger bond. Eventually Tom surprised himself when he found the warm and affectionate side of his nature and learned how to express it openly.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 30 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.