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All relationships are different. We have casual friends, those we occasionally have lunch with or telephone conversations. We don’t consider them special; we like them but they haven’t burrowed their way into our hearts. We share certain issues but don’t feel pressed to share much with our casual acquaintances.

Business associates are similar. Time spent with them is limited in scope by work constraints. We seldom share intimate concerns unless we have worked with someone for many years. Deep emotional connection seldom enters into the mix with these relationships.

We have relationships with family. Some of those are very loving, meaningful and rewarding; others might be neutral or fraught with conflict. We feel a certain connection with parents and siblings, one that usually survives even the most hurtful disagreements.

Most significant are the romantic relationships. Of all possible relationships the romantic ones tend to be most complicated. Our greatest and most primitive needs rise to the surface when we fall in love. Here at last we can hope to be loved completely, perfectly and unconditionally, just as when we were tiny babies. We feel so connected, so understood, so totally on the same wave length. We don’t even have to ask for what we want; it’s all there, at least in the beginning.

Therein lies the problem. It never quite works out as we fantasize. Our beloved one has limitations. So do we. And over time those limitations begin to show up. Little spats erupt over unmet needs. We no longer feel so connected. We deal with our disillusionment by blaming, criticizing and putting up barriers.

Disappointment is an inevitable result of all close relationships because no one can live up to the infantile fantasies that are reawakened when we fall in love. The closest we can come as adults is to work together to establish deep, solid connections with those we love. Through connection we once again feel whole, strong and deeply loved. When love flows freely between two people they feel like one. Even if over time the connection seems to weaken it can be reawakened.

How does it work? Not everyone in love has a problem with connection, especially in the beginning. But sooner or later it emerges as an issue. To regain that wonderful experience you might try the following exercise. Sit facing each other, knees touching, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. Take a few deep breaths and exhale all tension, so as to completely relax. Maintain close eye contact the way a mother does with her newborn. Remain connected in this way for a few minutes, overriding all self-consciousness and discomfort. Let yourselves relax into the safety of connection with your loved one. End with a warm hug.

In a few minutes each day couples can reconnect in this way. It helps to begin the day feeling full and fulfilled, loved and nourished. If you simply practice being with each other in this special way every day your romance will thrive. You will have the desire to work through problems as they arise. Your connection will provide all the fuel you need to keep love alive.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 30 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.