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Many families come into my office. These are families that want the very best for their children. When I speak with the parents alone, I ask them if they are accepting of their child. The normal response I receive is, "Of course I am!" However, when I speak with the child alone and ask that same question, the response usually is, "No." When I explore this further, the child usually comments, "My parents want me to be different!" So, what is happening here? Let me show you an example.

Joey, a 14 year-old boy, had played baseball since he was 4. He loved playing with his dad who was so proud of him. Joey loved the attention he got and when his dad became coach of his team, each year Joey loved having him proud of him. However, sometimes, when Joey struck out or missed a play on first-base, his dad was very hard on him and yell at the child. This would hurt Joey and embarrass him in front of his teammates.

Slowly Joey's interest in baseball dwindled and his playing became worse. His dad became more upset with him. After all, his dad knew what a great player and first baseman he was. So, he would yell at him more and more. He couldn't understand what had gone wrong with this boy who had such great potential.

So, now let's see why Joey's dad was so harsh on Joey. We discovered that Joey's dad, Bill, had played ball all through high school and received scholarships into college. He had the goal of becoming a major league baseball player. However, that dream never came true. He had several daughters before his son was born. Early on, he saw Joey could throw a ball and could hit it well.

On a subconscious level, he pursued his goal of becoming a major league baseball player through his son. He was expecting his son to be other than who he was.

On the other hand, Joey needed to be accepted as the young boy that had loved to play baseball and needed the nurturing and acceptance. When he didn't receive it, he gave up. Who knows what would have happened if Bill had been able to treat him like he did the other members of the team?

He needed to accept Joey and allow Joey to be the son who loved baseball. Joey may have surprised his father and continued on and ironically could have become a major league baseball player, if of course that was a dream of Joey's.

Parents become confused when I discuss the topic of accepting their children. This doesn't mean you have to accept or agree with everything your child says or does. Just as in the case with Joey. As a player, he should have been treated as any other member of the team, but not harsher or singled out.

Children need to be respected as individuals. They are not to be expected to be like you or to become what you didn't become. I am sure that many of you who are reading this column are aware of perhaps one of your parents having a strong persuasion for you to play a musical instrument as a child, or to pursue a certain profession that was not in your interest. If this didn't happen to you, you may be aware of someone you know who has talked to you about it.

I have found many parents have problems if their child has a learning disorder or has ADD/HD. It can be very difficult to work with these children. But, believe me, it is difficult for the children as well.

These children try very hard, although at times you may not think so. They want to achieve and they need acceptance and praise. But, achievement is very difficult for them.

I have found most parents have much-too-high expectations in the areas of neatness, organization and personal appearance. You might want to ask yourself if you need to relax a little in these areas. If you push too hard, your child will not feel accepted and loved.

With all children, I encourage parents to accept what your child is doing and to work slowly on improvement. Above all, be slow to criticize. It is not necessary to point out every problem area. Ignore the minor problems and put your focus on the major issues at hand. You will find you will have a happier child and a happier you!

Naturally, at times your child or teen will need some discipline. As you criticize less, you will find the proper discipline for your child's action will be accepted more easily. However, you will also find the more you can encourage your child with acceptance and respect, the less you will need to discipline. Your child will want to continue to receive your love and acceptance.

Show interest in your child and keep the line of communication open. With your continued acceptance and less criticism, your child will be much more open about whom his/her friends are, what they doing and where they are going.

Your child really does want to talk with you. When your child respects you, he/she will be ready to listen to you and what you have to say, especially if you give your opinion with respect.

We have also found when we stop trying to control our child's behavior, we have fewer conflicts. As a result, the relationship improves even into the teen years. Some parents are amazed their children actually care about what their parents think and feel! As you can see, this parental respect and acceptance has the potential for great rewards.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.