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Becoming a stepparent is not an easy move. I know. I was there nearly 30 years ago. Back then, there was very little known about the stepfamily situation. People used to think it was just another way of forming a family. However, anyone involved in the potential for becoming a stepparent needs to know you are not forming a normal family. A stepfamily is much different from a biological family.

There has been much research and studies that have shown that in second marriages, where there are children involved, they are twice as likely to end in divorce compared to re-marriages where there are no children involved.

Most of us are aware that as two people come together in a marriage, they create a space that is comfortable for the two of them.

We also know when there is a remarriage where one, or both, have children from previous relationships, this becomes much more problematic. Remarriage is extremely stressful for parents, stepparents and the children.

I find it so unfortunate that so many remarried couples conclude in the first months or years of their living experiment because they give up so easily. There have been many studies that have shown that the estimated time it takes to adapt to being a stepfamily ranges from two to seven years.

From my own experience as a stepparent and as a counselor’s viewpoint, it is so sad to see so many couples give up on their relationship when the situation becomes rough without attempting to receive assistance from a licensed professional.

Adults are usually aware of their own adjustment problems; however, many have no idea of what their children are really going through. Most simply expect their children to quietly accept the family situation as it has become.

However, many children have shared with me that they resented not having a choice about their family situation. They are upset because they had nothing to say about this new person coming into their life.

I have found that once the adults in the relationship can understand that their remarriage is born of a loss of a previous relationship or family structure, and that everyone experiences this loss in a very personal and often difficult way, it is then that life can become simpler.

Children feel a loyalty to their parents. Thus it is hard for children to trust that this new person will remain in their life, or will not walk out on them like their parent has.

For children, remarriage marks the end of the family they knew. Children have fantasies that mom and dad will reunite someday. With a remarriage, this hope is dramatically reduced. Children need to go through this grieving. They don’t like the changes they see and indeed balk at it in various ways.

I inform parents that it is easier if they just expect the children will be upset. Their parents have made decisions that they had no control over. These children need to make major adjustments to new adults, stepsiblings, and perhaps even another home. As my children learned, it meant attending and adjusting to a new school, loss of friends, and the need to be accepted and to make new friends. None of this was easy for them.

It is extremely important that stepparents understand the complications involved. Being a stepparent means being in the middle where you are neither the parent, nor are you a complete stranger.

I tend to look at the bright side of life and look at the positives. I have seen stepparents bring a fresh perspective to the family relations because they have not been emotionally involved in the emotional baggage of the past relationship.

Many adults are hurt and offended because of complications they have with the stepchildren. I suggest you go slowly, don’t expect to love or be loved by your new stepchildren immediately. You may also find they will not even appreciate you at first.

Be aware that at some point your stepchild may accusingly say, “You are not my mother/father!” With this attacking statement, many stepparents fall into the trap of becoming hurt or defensive and angry.

However, a healthy and helpful response could simply be, “You are absolutely right.” I recognize for many stepparents, this may be difficult to do.

A child naturally wants to protect the other parent. Just keep in mind that you know you are trying to be helpful, yet your stepchild at that particular time, is emotionally not able to hear it in the way you intended.

We have found whenever possible, the biological parent should be the disciplinarian. Too often, stepparents immediately step in to discipline as the parent, only to be met with much anger and resistance from the children. I encourage you to expect some hostility from your stepchildren. Having that open mind will help you from feeling too offended.

The children will naturally see you as a rival for your spouse’s affection or possibly see you as an intruder, who is attempting to take their biological parent’s position. Thus, remove yourself from this awkward position and work on building a positive relationship with the child or children. Spend some time alone with each of them and develop your own relationship with them. When they feel more comfortable with you, they will feel less threatened.

Above all, keep your focus on the positives. Let your stepchild know the attributes you appreciate in him or her and express them. Everyone, adults and children thrive on positives. Just as trees and flowers lean toward the sun for nourishment, so are we nourished by positives.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.