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What does one do about a life of regret, a life not fully lived, thwarted by fear, circumstance or victimization? To look back and see from the wisdom of years a big stretch of wasted time is a very painful experience. Only a few have the courage to do so because waning years mean facing the reality of fewer options.

The pain and anguish of deep regret is difficult to witness. Even more challenging is to not be tempted to offer platitudes and justification. Anyone experiencing this form of grief needs room to vent all their regrets, anger and resentment and shed the tears that have been stored over decades. Helping someone grieve is a bit like delivering a baby. Contractions of the uterus move the fetus just as the contractions of sobbing bring emotional pain to the surface where it can be felt and released. Healing comes with feeling. Healing opens new possibilities.

It has been said that people tend to regret more what they haven’t done in life than what they actually did. At least if one acts and risks a mistake the results are seldom catastrophic. Even worst case scenarios frequently work out in a positive way. The passivity of inaction is deadly.

How does one arrive at the later years free of regret? Of course living as good and upright a life as possible is an important component. However to avoid looking back at years of emptiness, parties missed or chances not taken one must be fearless, or at least able to transcend fear.

If you love mountains but are phobic about driving through them don’t give in but go anyway. If you’re so deadly afraid of flying that you limit most travel opportunities, obtain help to become free. If fear of conflict limits intimacy in your relationships take a course in assertiveness. Don’t look back at age seventy or eighty and wish you had gone to China or told so-and-so to mind their own business.

Fear of making decisions limits many individuals from lives of fulfillment. They painfully weigh consequences until an opportunity has passed them by. Then they envy the successes of friends who took chances and leaped into the unknown, which often turned out extremely well.

Late life anguish may also result from being stuck in unhappy relationships. No relationship is perfect but too few troubled couples seek professional assistance early enough. Eventually they either give up and end the marriage or live in quiet desperation to the bitter end. An unsatisfying relationship drains energy; don’t be too proud to ask for help before it is too late. Life passes very quickly. We were born to achieve our fullest potential.

When anxiety and fear block the way we are left longing for another chance. A fortunate few face death early in life but are given a second chance. Their stories are often remarkable for dramatically changed perspectives. If you are holding back with your foot more often on the brake than the gas pedal it may be time to either change direction or seek help with your fears.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 30 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.