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If you’re in a relationship and find that certain issues never fail to set you off it may be time to wonder why. According to Harville Hendrix, nationally known marriage therapist and writer of Getting the Love You Want, the conflict that exists between two people is 90 percent about the past and 10 percent related to a current issue.

Although these figures may sound extreme in my practice they consistently prove to be true. A hypothetical example will help to illustrate the point.

Hilda and Bob have been happily married for 15 years but recently are running into problems. Suddenly they argue more than usual and seem unable to find resolutions. Hilda complains that Bob is changing from a driven, hardworking, successful man to being more laid back and relaxed. His recovery from workaholism allows him to be home more often, something Hilda has wanted for years. Having learned to appropriately delegate, Bob is no longer micromanaging at the office.

What Hilda sees is a man who seems to have lost his ambition, who no longer wears a shirt and tie, but has become very casual. She actually believes he is sloppy and regularly criticizes his appearance. Bob is beside himself. He assumed he was giving Hilda what she has always wanted.

During the course of several sessions the story behind the scenes unravels. Many factors are operating to trigger past emotions for both Bob and Hilda, feelings they had long ago forgotten, or so they thought.

It turns out that Hilda’s mother is seriously ill, may not fully recover. Hilda has been very stressed and worried. It also develops that Hilda’s relationship with her mother is highly ambivalent, as her mother was a demanding, controlling, and critical parent whom Hilda could never please. Her father was a stickler with high standards for himself and the family. He was always impeccably groomed and critical of anyone who was not. The relationship between him and Hilda was nevertheless very positive.

When a close relationship is either negative or ambivalent the loss or threatened loss of that person brings all old conflicts to the surface. Unbeknownst to Hilda, she was struggling with old resentments toward her mother as well as the sadness she experienced when her father died.

Yet another facet of the new acrimony between this couple is that Bob, although spending less time at work, has transferred some of his lifelong management skills to the home front. He feels a need to “help” Hilda by telling her what she could do better and how. Hilda feels a too familiar resentment as Bob offers one suggestion after another. Neither realizes how a part of Hilda’s brain registers Bob’s help as criticism from her mother. They are also unaware that Bob’s new casual style is fueling disillusion. Hilda’s father would not approve of Bob’s new look. They only know they don’t like the direction their relationship is taking.

In therapy Bob and Hilda are coached in how to share their perceptions and feelings in a structured dialogue that eliminates blaming, judging and criticizing. As they are taught to really hear each other they come to realize that the illness of Hilda’s mother has taken her back to childhood and unconscious fears that their relationship may never be satisfactorily resolved. She also begins to see how she has put her idealization of her father onto Bob, and how disappointing he seems.

Bob’s controlling behaviors complicate matters because the child who still resides in Hilda’s self-image feels the same pain with Bob as she did with her mother. Bob is pushing old buttons in Hilda’s psyche, and she reacts with resentment. Arguments ensue in a vicious cycle. Most of the issues emanate from past unresolved disappointments.

After a number of dialogues Bob and Hilda reach new levels of understanding themselves and each other. They work at responding rationally instead of reacting unconsciously. They become more patient, less critical. The relationship gradually moves to a new level of caring and respect. They begin to hope they might live happily ever after.

Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 30 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.