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Today I would like to offer an explanation of a process. The means by which neglect or abuse in childhood comes to affect our adult lives.

First of all, no one is free from imperfect parenting. Blaming parents for one’s difficulties in adulthood is an exercise in futility; the damage is done. In my view a major task faced by each individual is to heal and grow beyond the lacks, disappointments and traumas of childhood. Blaming parents is a way to bypass that trip and avoid facing the unique purpose of each individual life.

Why then are therapists so interested in childhood experiences? For me it provides important explanations and helps me better comprehend the set of circumstances behind each individual’s special situation. Then I can help a person make sense of present issues, reactions, and behaviors; to transition from victim to empowerment.

To deal with pain we tend to cut off or hide aspects of ourselves that we learned not to like. These hidden or denied parts short-circuit our growth and make us emotionally lopsided. One person for example may have learned to feel guilty or fearful about having fun so becomes a workaholic. Another consistently received a message “to get over it” whenever upset. Such an adult may either be emotionally unapproachable and not accessible to love or full of rage that keeps everyone at a distance.

A child of alcoholic parents is likely to have been repeatedly disappointed and will become an adult who is either overly indulgent of self and/or others or is totally wishy-washy when it comes to asking for what he or she wants. In yet another example, someone who can never make a decision is really afraid of being criticized for deciding on something that pleases him/her. The mother frequently shamed or ridiculed any choices she didn’t approve of. Some children are raised to put their needs aside in favor of a parent’s desires.

In learning about one’s childhood I like to elicit as many details of daily life as possible in order to visualize a mosaic with texture and emotional nuances that enlighten me and the client with stunning clarity. There is no blame; only a new understanding that sows healthy seeds of motivation for growth.

Once the scenario from childhood is clear enough to shed light on the present, we work to connect all the threads from past to present. In the process a client begins to see new connections that allow him/her to let go of the past. Children are helpless victims if parents are unkind, negligent or abusive. They are totally dependent for survival on their parents so have no choice but to comply. Gradually they realize the power they have as adults. They learn how to appropriately use their grown-up power, how to live free of hang-ups from the past and make good decisions for themselves, regardless of what their parents might think.

No one is perfect, not even our parents. Blaming them for their shortcomings will not free us from the effects of their mistakes. Trying to understand them and ourselves helps us to experience our own lives to the fullest instead of getting stalled out in chronic regret and rage.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 30 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.