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Current research has demonstrated that the body holds memories. Some cells, if not all, are capable of carrying memory of long forgotten events. Many lie in the so-called reptilian brain, neurological source of the breathing apparatus and fight or flight response. This, in part, explains the phenomenon of flashbacks, when a traumatic memory is unexpectedly triggered and a person actually relives the original event with all of its feelings and sensations.

What happens is that an event or situation triggers a vague sense of alarm in the memory cells. It can be as innocuous as an odor, someone’s look or tone of voice. The reptilian brain and other memory cells instantly react as if danger is imminent. Their job is to keep us safe and alive. They send out signals to fight, flee or freeze. Adults have learned a variety of ways to respond to these signals.

Where do these signals originate? Even situations that occurred in infancy before the development of conscious memory may affect the present. A few babies are unfortunate to have mothers who are incapable of effective nurturing. For example, a young mother who is still immature herself may not be able to cope with the constant demands and needs of an infant. She may allow her child to cry for too long on a regular basis. Although that baby will have no conscious memory of being neglected it will have certain reactions as an adult that can be traced back to those early months or years.

A baby who had to consistently wait to be fed may develop an eating disorder, either avoiding food or overeating. Food or lack of it can trigger an infantile sense of deprivation and a compulsive desire to be satisfied.

An adult who feels neglected will manifest acute sensitivities to being ignored or left alone. In his body might be memories of crying alone for hours and those very sensations will return if a loved one leaves or threatens to. He might develop school phobias to avoid being away from his mother.

If a child is physically abused problems tend to emerge earlier than later. Depending on personality type abused children become overly aggressive or extremely timid. When they encounter any situation which the body experiences as somehow dangerous, even though there is not a clear memory of abuse, they will automatically either withdraw or attack.

Adults likewise react automatically to protect themselves from an old familiar pain if someone inadvertently triggers cell memories. In fact, this is a common cause of marital conflict. Grownups fight, flee or freeze in a variety of ways, especially in intimate relationships where they are most vulnerable. Fighting can take the form of defensiveness, and verbal, physical or emotional abuse. If fear of conflict is an issue silence may be a way to flee. Likewise when overcome by fear an individual might become totally paralyzed, unable to speak, think or act.

In any relationship all behavior comes from somewhere and has meaning. We must try to be open-minded enough to question the meaning of not only our loved one’s behavior but also our own. When we can see beyond the reactions that stem from cell memories we are more able to initiate change. When one person in a relationship changes so do the others. Not only that but when we understand ourselves we are more tolerant of self and others. It may seem farfetched but a better world begins with tolerance at home.

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Elinor Stanton is a psychiatric nurse practitioner on Marco Island. She has 30 years of experience as a therapist in private practice and with a large health maintenance organization in Boston. Send comments and questions to etseven@aol.com or call 394-2861. Visit her Web site at http://www.etseven.net.