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Many years ago when my children were young I used to think there was something wrong with my family. I didn’t understand why they were fighting so much (Back then, I was not a counselor and did not have the psychological background that I have today!)

I wanted to have more than one child as I thought it was good for a child to have a brother or sister to play with and relate to. Thus, I had three children, all stepping-stones, three years in age from the oldest to the youngest.

However, when the second child arrived, I noticed a slight change in the older one. Then, when the third one arrived and the oldest was 3 and the middle one was 18 months, I noticed other changes.

I believe sibling rivalry is one of the most irritating things for parents to endure. However, if you think about it from the child’s point of view, it is not too surprising that it occurs.

First of all, siblings experience a certain sense of competition or jealousy. It can be stressful and frustrating to watch and hear your kids fight with one another for what they want. Unless they are in danger of hurting one another, stand back and let them learn to stand up for what they believe.

It is natural for children to compete thus defining who they are as individuals. Psychologically this is very natural as they try to discover who they are.

We also know that when people of any age live together every day, they do get on each others’ nerves! (I hear from many mature adults how happy they are to have their children and grandchildren visit, but close to the time they are leaving, they have mixed feelings, because they are anxiously looking forward to their departure, yet at the same time regretting it knowing how much they will miss them!) However, these young children have not yet learned, nor developed coping skills or patience to help them work constructively through their negative feelings.

I also believe most of us think of our homes as a place to let our hair down. Why do we think our kids would do anything different? I also think if we were are all honest, most of us would agree we are on our best behavior at work or with friends; however at home we tend to be more lax.

So, I ask, why do we think children are an exception to this? Many parents who have sought help for the fighting amongst their children have commented that other parents have told them how well behaved their child is when they are at a friends home.

While it can be a pain in the neck to deal with all of this rivalry it can be a great opportunity to teach children to live with others. I believe family life is a place for helping children practice good social skills and conflict resolution.

As a parent, you have a perfect opportunity to guide your children in this process.

I am a firm believer in having family meetings, which is a perfect time to deal with individual needs, rules, consequences, etc. However, I strongly suggest this not be done at meal times. Meal time is a time for the family to enjoy and share. I see myself as an opportunist and suggest you find a near perfect time when the children are not fighting to discuss and generate a list of rules for fair fighting. I have learned it is important to write down the suggestions that are given. It is important to use the words the children use as they will tell you much about how they are feeling.

Along with this, I have found it important for the children to decide upon the consequences for not following the rules. Thus, you the parent need to follow through when the next unfair fight occurs. You will be surprised how well this will work.

I encourage parents to in turn encourage children to brainstorm together for preventative ways to work and play together. Listen intently to any of their suggestions of how to divide the play space or toys. Children can be very creative.

I also encourage parents to bring the bickering children together. Have them sit facing one another so they need to look at each other. Let them sit like that until one is ready to talk to the other about what they did and what their need was. It is important that your child keeps the focus on him/herself and not on what the other was doing.

Remember your children will learn best by doing. It is comforting to know that the skills they learn with each other will serve them well in all relationships to follow. Learning to live peacefully in a family will help them live comfortably in society and within the workplace.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.