While we adults did not agree with everything our parents believed and did when we were young, we respected their opinions and we were grateful if and when they respected ours.

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Today, our teens are also making decisions as they have to test whatever works for them by using our values as their guide. I encourage parents to be supportive by encouraging these values and giving them credibility by listening. It’s so easy to take these differences as a rejection of our values. However, when we do this, we put a block in our communication relationship. Thus, I am encouraging you to be open to them.

We need to be available for the teens by offering our love and support. Teens will readily tell you that they are willing to discuss their viewpoint as to why they chose a different route from you. However, some tell me they get shut down because of their parents’ anger and refusal to discuss it any further. Instead they are given a long lecture. The teens tell me they resent the lecture and tune it out. This is a shame for this is an excellent opportunity for parents to teach their children ways to discuss differences and how to deal with conflict which will be so important in their later life situations.

Of course, this is sometimes, easier said then done. For, we all know, when our emotions get involved, it’s difficult to view a situation objectively. I encourage parents to really work hard at this for it is so important to work through issues and conflicts with patience and respect. Keep in mind that your teen is not against you personally; he just has a different viewpoint than yours. What a great way to show your child that you love him or her and enjoy the fact that they are thinking. You can help them express their thoughts and test out their ways of thinking. When your teen experiences you talking and listening to them respectfully, they are much more apt to listen to you with the same respect and open-mindedness. Thus, your ideas and opinions will be more easily considered, instead of being rejected.

I’d like to ponder this last paragraph a bit more for I see it being so important. Think about this, by teaching your teen through your own role modeling of how to talk and listen with respect when there is a conflict, you are helping him in many ways. You will be providing him with tools to engage in and maintain healthy relationships. We know one of the major underlying factors in domestic violence is the anger that is generated by the lack of respect given by being able to deal with differences in thinking. Thus, you are in the position to save your teen much anguish later in life by providing him with these important tools.

We also know teens are much more cooperative when they are involved with their families in family activities, traditions and celebrations. Again, I hear some parents saying their teens don’t want to be with them. My response to this is while it is true teens want to be with their peers the majority of the time, the ones that are treated with respect have shared they also want to be included in family functions. They are learning the importance of being connected and belonging. They are acquiring the value of family togetherness.

In ending, I believe it is important for your home environment to be a welcome place for their friends. Being warm and involved, while being firm and consistent in your parenting will provide the best environment in their lives.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Katchmar can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.