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It’s not easy to build and maintain a happy and satisfying marriage. We know this from statistics which indicate that approximately 50 percent of first marriages and over 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.

I would like to empower couples to focus on some positive factors they can perform to bring their marriages to be more accepting, loving and forgiving for each other. To do this, it’s important that couples find some way to understand there are some psychological differences between men and women. There are many books written on this topic. One of the most famous and earliest was “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” written by Dr. John Gray. He did a great job of pointing out the differences between the males and females in a very friendly and understandable fashion. It may seem strange, but men and women basically have the same needs; however, our priorities are different. Not understanding this difference can create havoc in your marriage.

Women have a strong need to have their husband’s interest, support and empathy. While it may seem peculiar to most men, it really doesn’t make any difference how secure or loved she may feel, she still needs to be reassured daily that her husband is fully present for her.

In working with couples for over 31 years, I find it very interesting to see that most men are blind as to how intensely women experience this need. Unfortunately, instead of offering some reassurance to their wives, they usually react to their wives’ emotional needs by giving advice or direction.

The male believes their wife needs their help by fixing or doing. That is a man’s nature to fix things. Thus, this is a normal reaction of a male. However, I suggest to men that it would be better if they could put their ego aside and forget about what they think they should do and just relax and ‘listen’ to their wife. Believe me, it is a real act of manhood to just listen to your wife seriously for a few minutes.

On the other hand, women also don’t seem to understand their men. Most men fear any sort of failure and/or appearance of failure. Women fail to recognize this. Thus, husbands need to know that not only is he loved, but he is respected and admired.

Women need to look beyond themselves and realize a man’s self-image is extremely fragile. I believe women get lost in the strength of his physique and forget it or do not realize that he is a very sensitive individual. When a man is anxious, fearful or in doubt about a situation, his tendency is to shut down and go into his cave. I encourage women to allow him his space to deal with his feelings. I see so many problems arise at this point because we, females want to talk and connect. Thus, there is the tendency to force our needs and wants on our partner, to pull him out of his cave when he is not comfortable. If the opportunity arises you can let him know you are available when and if he wants to talk. But, please respect him and give him his space.

How great it would be if everyone decided they would work on resolving conflicts in their relationships so that bitterness and resentments were no longer a part of their marriage. Of course, this works best when both mutually agree on this decision. However, I have occasionally seen success when only one person was working at it. Naturally this works when the person is encouraged and motivated on changing only things about themselves and not about their spouse. We know that attempts to change our spouse are doomed for failure.

We can have all the great intentions to change, but there are obstacles that get in our way. I believe one of the greatest obstacles that all of us need to overcome is our defensiveness, our need to protect ourselves. It’s natural when we hear our spouse say something negative about us that we feel attacked and want to defend ourselves verbally. Thus, we counter-attack our partner’s complaint. However, when we counter-attack, our partner feels unheard and shuts up or gets nasty in the next verbal encounter. The next time you feel the need to defend yourself, I’m suggesting you take several deep breaths to calm down and if you need, hold your lips shut until you can let your spouse know you want to listen. If your spouse has a gripe and you don’t listen, your spouse will not feel respected and heard. This defensive battle has no happy ending. It’s like a war; one side attacks the other and no real communication ensues. No one really wins.

Verbal attacks also interfere with couples resolving conflicts. It is important that couples express how they feel, but this needs to be done in a very caring and respectful manner. This definitely means there should be no name-calling, nor judgmental statements. Many times in my office I have heard one of the partners say, “He just does that because he is jealous!” I caution people, we cannot know what is going on inside another person and it is also not our place to judge him/her.

This last obstacle is a real dead-end in resolving conflicts. At this point one partner refuses to talk about their conflicts. Instead they hold things in and pretend a conflict doesn’t exist. They hold on to their resentments for dear life. In this case, there is no way forgiveness can happen in this relationship as one individual is locked into holding on to his/her resentments. Thus, there is no resolution.

I encourage all of you to look at yourselves and your relationship with your spouse. If you are holding onto resentments and not allowing forgiveness to enter your hearts, how is this helping you? If you are defending yourself so strongly that it interferes with truly hearing your partner, how is that bringing happiness into your life? If you are verbally attacking your spouse, does that really make you feel good? How does that improve your relationship? Consider also the positive effects of being open to hearing your partner’s resentments, discussing and allowing forgiveness in to your heart.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Katchmar can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.