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Are you tired of the sewer — septic controversy on Marco? Do you groan when others bring up the need for sewers or swoon at the prospect of keeping your septic system?

You’re not alone. People on both sides are weary of it, eager for the elections next week to settle it. I hope so too, because in spite of overwhelming evidence and expert opinion that sewers are best for our barrier island, some continue to keep their heads in the sand.

And, if the following incidents on Marco are any indication, that head-in-the-sand thing could be hazardous to the head.

These stories are anecdotal and, as they say on the TV weight loss ads, not necessarily typical. Still, if you’re not having a meal right now, read on.

Tale of the Mistaken Septic Tank

Two years ago we asked a septic tank company to inspect and pump out our tank. That day I saw the septic truck at a nearby neighbor’s house. The man was bent over the big hose he had plunged into the tank.

“Are you at the right house?” I asked. “Yep, here’s the order sheet.”

I looked. It had the wrong address. He was pumping out our neighbor’s septic tank. When I showed him the mistake, he phoned his office and explained the problem. He paused, then said, “Well do you want me to put it all back?”

She obviously said no, so he finished the job, then moved to our house.

“Good thing for your neighbor, that mistake,” he said, frowning. “I don’t think that old tank had ever been pumped out. Phew.”

Strong words coming from a guy who maintains septic tanks for a living.

‘Tale of the Tainted Tomatoes’

We had a rainy summer a few years ago and the ground on Marco was saturated. A friend of ours was enjoying a visit from her daughter.

The young woman went into her mother’s house one day and asked, “Hey Mom, when did you start growing tomatoes in the yard?”

“I’m not growing tomatoes,” the woman replied, so she went outside to see what her daughter was talking about.

One area of the yard was especially muddy and wet. And there, just as the daughter had said, were a bunch of vines on the ground, with tomatoes growing on them. Our friend figured out quickly that the very “fertile” ground that made up her new, unplanned veggie garden was directly above the drain field of her septic tank system.

It seems the system was overloaded with water and the stuff in the tank seeped to the surface, carrying and nourishing tomato seeds, among other things.

In one case, the wastewater mess came from a neglected septic system. In the other, from a septic system overloaded by rising groundwater. Of course sewers also can malfunction, but the difference is that skilled sewer workers know about it early on, with regular monitoring, maintenance and inspections. Not so with many septic systems on Marco.

One ugly aspect of this lead-up to our local election is the level of desperation shown by some sewer opponents. Their newspaper ads scream at us with silly claims that the other side is trying to “steal our vote.”

A recent ad accused those who favor finishing the sewer program of “Scare tactics and LIES!!”

I doubt many of you saw an email circulating recently, crammed with red and blue letters, lots of CAPITAL LETTERS and EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!! This junk reminds me of crude notes written by borderline crackpots — gibberish scribbled in Crayon on wide-lined Big-Chief tablet paper.

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Chris Email: chris@chriscurle.com.