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More Down Yonder

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“Things are getting a little out of hand around here, if you ask me,” said the old man as he sat on his dock, his feet dangling in the water.

“What do you mean?” asked his fishing companion. “You mean ‘cause nothin’s bitin’?”

“Naw, nothin’s been bitin’ for a while,” said the old man. “I mean I was readin’ the other day about how the U.S. guv’munt is spending a couple of hundred thousand dollars on what they call an urban fishin’ program.”

“Urban fishin’? You mean like city fishin’?”

“That’s exactly what I mean. They’re spendin’ all this money so city folks can go fishin’ right smack in the cities.”

“Well, that’s real thoughtful and all,” said the old man’s friend. “But I thought one of the reasons a person goes fishin’ is to get away from the city.”

“That’s right,” said the old man. “Maybe they figure they’s too many city folks comin’ out here. Maybe they just feel sorry for all those folks that never go fishin.’ Who knows the reason?

“But apparently they have established these ‘fish management areas,’ otherwise known as lakes, where they stock bream and channel cats. They put automatic fish feeders in ’em and let the city folks have at ’em.”

“Bream and channel cats?” asked the old man’s friend. “Now there’s a couple of real sport fish.”

“Yea, well city folks probably don’t know the difference, anyway,” said the old man. “But the really silly part is now the guv’munt is spendin’ all this money to figure out the best way to catch these urban fish.

“I was reading where — get this — they’ve figured out that most of the bream and channel cats are caught within 30 feet of them automatic fish feeders. Who woulda guessed?

“They said largemouth bass were more likely to be caught anywhere in the city lakes.

“Their research told them the best baits for the bream is dough-balls, back or whole kernel corn and the best bait for the channel cats are small pieces of hot dogs.

“They also figured out that both bream and channel cats usually caught on the bottom.”

“Boy, that’s some kind of revelation, ain’t it?” said the old man’s friend. “Leave it to the guv’munt to spend money to figure out that stuff. I’ll bet they even discovered that the fishin’ is a lot easier if you use a hook on the end of your line.”

“Well, you got to figure these guys ain’t exactly expert anglers if their idea of a good day is to catch bream and channel cats,” said the old man.

“Next thing you know, they’ll be busin’ city folks down to the local pet shop, handin’ out snorkels and lettin’ them poor, deprived city folks stare into aquariums for a while. They’ll call it an urban reef-divin’ project.”

“Yeah,” said the old man’s friend. “Either that or they’ll come out in a couple of months with a new guv’munt study that suggests using squid as bait for grouper and that grouper are best caught in the Gulf of Mexico.”

“I dunno,” said the old man. “Sounds to me like all the folks are best left in the city. I don’t know that I want to see any of ‘em out here fishin’ this bayou.

“I can see ‘em now, gettin’ all excited and jumpin’ around shoutin’ ‘bout how they discovered these snook here are attracted to this light.”

“Well,” said the old man’s friend. “Let’s just hope they don’t decide next to start an urban huntin’ program.”