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Are you a frustrated parent? Are you tired of talking to your child and not getting a response? You are not alone. Many parents are experiencing this similar problem. This is not a new problem; parents have experienced this problem for years with their children.

I began teaching parenting classes over 30 years ago and helped parents communicate effectively with their children. When parents would question me why their child was not hearing them, I would naturally check to ascertain if there were any physical limitations and/or suggest they take their child for a check-up. However, one of the most common remarks I would hear from a frustrated parent was, “I don’t understand why my child doesn’t hear me when I talk to him. He can hear me whisper to his father when he is in the adjoining room! Therefore, I am certain he does not have a hearing disability! So, why can’t he hear me when I am right on top of him?”

As you can see, in a case like this, there was no doubt this child did not have a hearing difficulty.

So, why don’t children hear their parents if there is no problem with their hearing? There are several things to consider.

First of all, think about how you just talked to your child. Listen to yourself. What was your tone of voice? Listen to it. Were you repeating yourself? Did your voice sound upset and angry? Many times parents are not aware that when they are upset about toys not being picked up or towels on the bathroom floor, their voice comes across in a very harsh and angry tone. Ask yourself, how you would feel if your spouse was upset with you or had a conflict and spoke to you in the manner you just did. If their voice was raised, the consensus of most people I have asked is they would like to avoid it and tune the other person out.

On the other hand, there are only a few who are ready to fight back. It is important for you to calm yourself before you speak to your child so your child will be in a frame of mind, ready to listen.

Your children want to be loved. They want to please you. Believe me; they are not scheming against you (Although many years ago, I used to think that as I struggled in my other lifetime as a single parent of three!)

Children want to be accepted. When they feel unaccepted, it is scary for them and there is the tendency for them to avoid the situation. While they may want to fight back, especially as they grow older, they are still dependent upon you. Thus, I ask you to have yourself under control before you talk with your children. I can assure you when there is love and caring in your voice, they will be ready to listen and please.

I also believe parents need to stop and evaluate how important the subject is to you before you present it to the children. I found it interesting that when I held off for awhile in speaking to my children about something I thought was important, it ended up actually not really being so important after all. I suggest you try it.

Some children do have more problems than others with attention. Thus, a good rule of the thumb is: a) make sure you have your child’s attention before you speak (It is best to have eye contact.) b) Be very specific in what you say. c) Have your child repeat what you just requested him to do.

Remember, most often it is not what we say, but the tone of our voice that makes the greatest impact.

Kids are great about assessing how their parents are feeling. Most often they don’t even have to listen to what you are saying, all they have to do is hear the tone of your voice and look at your face and they will react in a positive or negative manner to your request or advice. Some will react with indifference saying things like, ‘I didn’t hear you’ when they feel fear from hearing anger.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.